Alright, now,
you guys probably didn't know this, but my wife and I
are volunteer firefighters. And you probably didn't know that,
because, well… we didn't even know it ourselves. That is until we found out
a few weeks ago, when we had our idiot neighbor
light his backyard on fire. Now, how did
this whole thing happen? Well, the night started off normal enough: my wife and I are eating a late dinner, and not that it matters, but it was
a particularly good barbecue dinner, very yummy, very scrumptious. All of a sudden we hear the boys
storming down the stairs like wild animals. They burst into the kitchen, like, "Holy smokes, holy smokes!" "Do you guys really
have to pound down the stairs, like there's a fire or something?" "But there is a fire!
Look out the window!" "I don't care if there's a fire,
you don't pound down the stairs– Wait a minute, what did you say? There's a fire?
There really is a fire?" We look out the window,
and sure as shit, we see what looks to be
like the fucking apocalypse happening in our neighbor's backyard.
"Holy hot dogs on a stick,
there's a whole fire out there!" "Oh God, are we being attacked? Is it the North Koreans?" "Alright, everybody, just stay
in the house, don't open the door, and most importantly, don't let the dog get on
the table and eat our barbecue. We'll be right back!" So we sprint out there in a panic, and we quickly find out, that yes, indeed,
our neighbor's backyard is ablaze. So we start yelling out
to see if anybody's out there. "Uh, hello? Anybody home? You, uh…
Have a situation at hand…" "HEY YOU STUPID FUCKS,
YOUR BACKYARD IS ON FIRE!" But we get no response back, of course.
So now, apparently,
this whole ordeal is our responsibility. Now, I don't know anything
about this neighbor of ours, except that he lives behind us, and he likes to get drunk
and have campfires late at night, while he listens to shitty music
at a semi-reasonable volume. So we can only assume that he's
passed out on the couch right now, totally oblivious to what's
going on in his backyard. Or, you know, he might be the fucking
thing that's on fire in the backyard. Who's to say at this point. So I run to get the fire extinguisher,
while my wife calls the fire department. "Hello, 911? The world is burning!" I'm in the house, trying to remember where
the hell we keep the fire extinguisher. Which, side note, I have to say,
in the closet, behind the dog food and underneath a bunch of bullshit, is a terrible place to keep it. But I grab it and sprint
across the backyard, like… Well, like the fucking backyard's on fire. The whole time that shitty
Chad Kroeger song from Spider-Man is playing over and over again in my head.
♪ And they say ♪
♪ That a hero can save us ♪ ♪ I'm not gonna stand here and wait-haa ♪ I get to my neighbor's backyard, and up close and personal I have to say that this fire is a little bit
more than I bargained for. I mean, look at this shit,
I'm supposed to deal with this? Where's the fucking
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers when you need them? "What the fuck?!" So I let loose the fire extinguisher. * *P *PS *PSH *PSHH *PSHHH *PSHHHH *PSHHHHH *PSHHHHHH *PSHHHHHHH *PSHHHHHHHH *PSHHHHHHHH! *PSHHHHHHHH!* *PSHHHHHHHH!* And of course, it doesn't do shit. For the most part it just gives
the fire a little fucking tickle.
* *P *PS *PSH *PSHH *PSHHH *PSHHHH *PSHHHHH *PSHHHHHH *PSHHHHHH! *PSHHHHHH!* *PSHHHHHH!* *HA-HA-HA!* The whole time the kids are
watching this through the window, wondering which foreign power just
carpet bombed our whole neighborhood. Meanwhile the fucking dog's annihilating
our unattended barbecue. Well, now the fire is starting
to spread to our backyard, which is bad news,
because our pool is right there. And surrounding our pool is
our old-ass piece of shit deck, that's made out of like, fucking
pirate ship wood, for Christ's sake. That thing's gonna get lit up faster,
than aunt Carol on Thanksgiving. We better come up with a plan B,
and we better do it quick. And that's when I think,
"Oh yeah, the pool! I can just drain
the water out of the pool, and point the exhaust hose
right at the fire, that's brilliant. But there's only one problem: and that is that the day prior I fucking drained all the water
out of the pool for the winter. "Ah, that's a nice dry pool! I'm sure this won't come back to
bite me in the ass several hours later." Well, shit, alright, onto plan C! We're gonna have to use the garden
hose on the side of the house.
That's just gonna have to do, except there's another problem: and that is after
I drained the pool yesterday, I fucking stored the hose in
the shed for the winter as well! (whistling) "Oh, God damn it,
what a perfect asshole I am!" So I take the hose out of
the shed and scamper back, Chad Kroeger is still
ringing in my ears and shit. ♪ I hold onto the wings of eagles ♪ ♪ This fucking song blows a-a-a-as-s-s-s-s ♪ I fling the hose to my wife,
while I hook it up to the spigot.
And of course, the hose is just
not quite long enough to reach the flames. My wife's doing fucking
back bends and shit, trying to arc the stream
as far as possible. "Is it working now?!" "Uh, no, still not quite far enough… Holy hell! What are you,
the fucking exorcist?" So, running out of options at this point, I decide to fucking tap dance
the fire out as best as I can. Finally, the fire department
shows up just in time. "Whoa, what the… What is he, fucking riverdancing,
what the hell?!" And thankfully, they were able
to put the fire out pretty quickly with their big-ass super soaker hose. And it's only then that our drunk-ass
neighbor finally makes it outside. "Hey, what's all this
hullabaloo going on out here?" "You fucking almost burned down
the whole neighborhood, you drunk maniac!" So, upon further inspection, apparently, the neighbor's
stack of firewood caught on fire. Now, how that caught on fire,
we don't know. Because our asshole neighbor
denied having anything to do with it.
"Uh, Sir, did you have
a campfire tonight?" "Uh, I don't know, I don't think so." "Sir, is this your pile of empty
beer cans and idling flamethrower?" "Uh, no. Absolutely not!" So all in all it was a pretty
shitty night to say the least. We found out we're
subpar volunteer firefighters, that fucking Chad Kroger song
is still ringing in my head to this day. And the worst part of it all, we fucking lost out on
our good-ass barbecue.
"What are you looking at me for? What, I thought you guys
were dead in the fire. Was I supposed to just leave it there?!" https://brewstew.com https://patreon.com/brewstew https://twitter.com/brewstewfilms
https://www.instagram.com/brewstew_films https://www.facebook.com/brewstewcom.
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