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Breaking News: Yahoo Was Hacked…2 Years Ago

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Read Time:2 Minute, 24 Second

WE WANT TO START WITH A BIG TECH
STORY. YAHOO! HAS HAD A DATA BREACH.
YAHOO! IS PLANNING TO TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION AS SOON AS THEY
GOOGLE HOW TO DO THAT. THE HACKER HAS GONE PUBLIC
SAYING HE STOLE THE DATA IN
2012. WHICH MEANS YAHOO ISN'T EVEN
USING YAHOO. HILLARY CLINTON IS THRILLED TO
HEAR THAT THERE IS AN EMAIL SCANDAL THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE
HER. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! HILLARY'S TEAM WILL HAVE CAST
MEMBERS OF THE WEST WING CAMPAIGNING FOR HER IN OHIO THIS
WEEKEND. THIS WILL SECURE THE VOTE FOR
PEOPLE WHO WERE ALREADY 100 PER CENT VOTING FOR HILLARY. THE WEST WING WAS CANCELLED A
DECADE AGO. MAYBE THIS IS A SMART MOVE.
BUT IT'S STILL LESS WEIRD THAN HAVING A CHARACTER FROM A TV
SHOW BE YOUR ACTUAL CANDIDATE.

FINALLY, A STORY I HAVE TO BRING
UP TONIGHT. INCREASING NUMBER OF
MEN ELECTING TO RECEIVE INJECTIONS
OF SCROTOX– , WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IT IS. IT IS BOTOX FOR YOUR SCROTUM.OS
AND NOW I THINK I SPEAK FOR MOST MEN WHEN I SAY, WHY? WHO IS GETTING THIS DONE? LIKE THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A DOCTOR RECOMMENDED THIS FOR ME. HE WOULD GO, "IT'S VERY SIMPLE,
JAMES, WE WOULD INJECT A NEEDLE INTO YOUR–" NO, I'M GOOD, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH, BYE BYE. SCROTOX APPARENTLY REMOVES
WRINKLES– WRINKLES, WHICH IS GOOD, YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T
WANT YOUR BALLS TO MAKE YOU LOOK OLD. I'M PRETTY SURE BALL WRINKLES
AREN'T EVEN IN THE TOP TEN PROBLEMS WOMEN HAVE WITH A MEN'S
GENITALIA. APPARENTLY THIS OPERATION ALSO,
AND I QUOTE, "HELPS EASE SWEATING." YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WOULD HELP
EASE SWEATING, NOT STRESSING SO MUCH OVER WHETHER YOUR TESTICLES ARE ATTRACTIVE.

D
THIS IS A STRESS YOU DON'T NEED. LIKE, LIKE IT'S NOT GOING TO
LOOK NATURAL. ARE YOU NOT GOING TO GO INTO A
BED WITH A WOMAN AND SHE IS GO BE TO– GOING TO BE LIKE, "MARK,
DID YOU GLUE A RIPE NECTARINE NEXT TO YOUR PENIS?"
BUT THERE IS A NEW WRINKLE IN THIS STORY, WELL, THERE WAS. >> THANK YOU, SORRY. HONESTLY, NO, COME ON, WHOEVER
WROTE THAT JOKE IS GOING TO GET SACKED.

THERE SHOULD BE A BETTER PUNCH
LINE, I FEEL LIKE I LEFT YOU HANGING. BUT NO, THIS STORY IS PRETTY
NUTS. ( LAUGHTER )
PRETTY NUTS? HAVE THEM, WITH SCROTOX.S
IS THIS TOO MUCH. I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO START
GETTING TESTY. LET'S GET THE BALLS ROLLING AND HAVE A LOOK AND SEE WHO IS ONOL
OUR SHOW TONIGHT.

As found on YouTube

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